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 I really like how the information is presented.... Oct 28, 2009
This may be a negative aspect for many, but I really like the scientific approach that this book took to present its information. Personally, many of the relationship books that were faith-based didn't seem to offer much in terms of truly understanding what was going on. The information in this book was and will be beneficial in gaining a better understanding in what goes into a healthy relationship vs. an unhealthy one. You will likely be surprised, just as I was!
It really is very "Practical" Oct 27, 2009
I love this book, and as a marriage therapist, I recommend it to the families that I work with often. John Gottman is a great researcher, and has truly narrowed down what it takes to build a solid relationship. It is very practical with exercises throughout to help you identify the principles affecting your marriage, and then exercises to help strengthen your marriage in that area. I love the sections that help couples with solving problems. It is a great resource to strengthen marriages, whether or not they are struggling.
Love it! Oct 21, 2009
This is an excellent book and I totally agree with the principles. Now if we can just start working on some of the questions and suggestions we will be in business. I have read countless other marriage support books and this one really seems to get to the root of many problems. If two people are committed and are willing to work at it they can have an exceptional marriage and I think this book gives you some tools to put you in the right direction.
1 of 2 found the following review helpful:
 Helpful only if you fit the stereotype. If you don't this book is a lot less helpful Oct 18, 2009
I have actually sung the praises of the author, John Gottman, for many years. Gottman is mentioned in Malcom Gladwell's "Blink" and his methods for many (not all) marriages is solidly based. The problem is, Gottman has a bias and he's blind to it. But first, the positives.
He's dead on correct about the indicators of divorce. I've been there and I know. When you or your partner is contemptuous, for example, it's a really really bad sign. Gottman is also dead on correct in terms of the general principles he presents to make a relationship better - shared experiences, sharing in the decision making, letting go of unsolvable problems, etc.
My beef is his premise (and it is a premise, not a fact) that "80% of the stonewalling in marriages comes from men" and that "women tend to respect their husbands more than men their wives." These are actual arguments Gottman makes.
The most glaring reason Gottman's research is flawed is that his conclusion about men stonewalling comes from his own clinical observations which are anecodotal. There are no footnotes or endnotes about where the 80% figure came from. To give him the benefit of the doubt, he must have observed this in his own research. The problem is, these are going to be couples that have sought his assistance or counseling in general. And it would make sense that women would be the instigator of such actions. But that doesn't prove the 80% figure.
Men could simply have different tactics. For example, they might be inclined to a more do-it-yourself approach while still trying to address the problems in their marriages. Or, it could be that these men are in relationships with women who refuse to deal with the problems/go to counseling and the men leave it at that. There's also research that indicates that women simply expect and demand more from their committed relationships. One recent study published in "Psychology Today" showed that the lowest divorce rate in nations with full marriage rights were among gay men and highest among lesbians with hetero relationships in the middle. Hard to believe, but it does negate some of what Gottman is arguing.
Having been raised by an egalitarian father who cooked, cleaned, worked as a social worker; having been somewhat raised by two much older sisters (research shows older sisters result in more egalitarian men), I find Gottman's conclusions personally offensive and not the least bit helpful. There are other men out there like me - I've met them. The world is a little more complex these days. Many women are just as bad as men and sometimes far worse.
"Carrie" on "Sex in the City" once pondered (in 2003!) that women were becoming the new bachelors. Talk to any sensitive man who ALREADY understands Gottman's arguments about sharing, giving, etc. and they'll tell you horror stories that discredits Gottman's guiding premise that it's the men who are stonewalling in relationships and causing most of the problems. Been there, seen it, survived it.
If you can somehow take in Gottman's guiding principles while ignoring the clear bias you'll find a lot of wisdom here. But if you're one of those men who already gets it, you're probably better off with a different book - one that recognizes a 21st century reality that there are lots of men out there who get it and they're dating and marrying women who don't. I can't recommend a title and I'm not even sure if one exists.
0 of 1 found the following review helpful:
Great Seller Sep 25, 2009
Book was in great condition, exactly as described and arrived in adequate time! High recommend seller!
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